I finally made it to my friend Jane’s house after reattaching the medieval nipple clamp to the shower. See the funny post, Why I can’t shower without supervision and TV sucks , if you are not sure what a medieval nipple clamp is. I had some beef stew to deliver.
When I got to Jane’s house she informed me she had a date with Tarzan later that evening. It was gonna be a movie night with popcorn and bananas. Naturally we began to discuss movies, televisions, and loin cloths. Jane mentioned she was missing digital channels. She wanted to impress Tarzan with the Wisconsin Public Television episode of Nature. I offered to help her upgrade to the world of antennas. I insisted that I have extensive experience programming the TV due to my 3rd profession as a sofa tester. Jane gladly agreed. She had to agree. I bring her things like beef stew.
I went to turn the TV on. The Blink, blink, blink of LED flashed. I hit the menu button and boom, the TV turned off. I turned the TV on. I tried a second time, a third, and a fourth. With all this turning on and off , I felt like we we had really gotten to know each other. Our romance continued with on, blink, blink, blink, and off. This relationship was not working out. “Maybe some Google family counseling could help,” Jane offered.
We both whipped out our modern encyclopedias faster than you can say encyclopedia. “Okay Google, why does my LED turn off when turned on?” Also known as “why does my lady get off when turned on? ” Per Google that is exactly what I said. Finally after some speech therapy, we got our behavioral modification instructions. The answer was to unplug the power source, plug back in, wiggle it around, do the hokey pokey, press the on button, and hold for 30 seconds. Mmmh kinda like sex.
The TV flashed on, blink, blink, blink “LED.” Then it went blink blink blink “screw you, I want a divorce. ” We tried another search. The Internet of Oz insisted that if plugging in, plugging out , turning off, turning on, and taking the TV out for quiet candlelit dinners didn’t do the trick then the bumblebee transformers were blown. Or something like that. I am not a TV guru the damn thing was broke!
Jane whipped out the tape measure. This broken TV was 52 inches. Size does matter. She decided the next TV was going to be bigger, better, and harder. (Okay maybe that was what I wanted in a TV. ) It was time to find a new TV. I couldn’t help Jane. She had to figure out the dimensions of this problem with her own ruler.
There was only one person who could help her. She needed to be rescued from three kids and Saturday Mornings cartoons without the cartoons. She needed to be swept away from the deadly jungles of Friday nights. She needed to be saved from those Friday nights without movies and bananas. She needed Tarzan. She needed her hero. She need the one thing only Tarzan could give her. She needed his truck.
Follow this blog to read more stories about life with my friends, anxiety, and our adventures when the men are gone. Oh yeah… and recipes too.
Gluten Free Beef Stew
1.5 to 2 Pounds of Chuck Tender Steak
Butter or Oil to Coat a Frying Pan
3 to 4 Large Carrots (washed and diced)
1 Large Onion (washed and diced)
3 Large Stalks of Celery (washed and diced)
One 14.5 Oz Can of Diced Tomatoes
2 Teaspoons Salt
2 Teaspoons Pepper
1 Tablespoon of Oregano
1 Bay Leaf
1 Tablespoon of Red Pepper Flakes (Reduce to 1/2 if you don’t want much heat)
1/2 Cup of Uncooked Rice (you can use up to 1 Cup of Rice if you like)
- Turn 5 qt slow cooker on low heat.
- Put your diced carrots, and 1/2 of onions, and celery in the bottom of a 5 qt slow cooker.
- Sprinkle vegetables with half of the salt and pepper.
- Take the other half of your salt and pepper and sprinkle on both sides of steak.
- Place steak and other half of your onions in a (buttered or oiled) coated frying pan. Brown meat and onions over medium heat.
- Once meat is browned place meat on top of vegetables in slow cooker.
- While pan is still hot put small amount of water in pan to deglaze. Pour liquid from pan over food in slow cooker.
- Open and pour canned tomatoes into slow cooker.
- Add oregano and bay leaf to slow cooker.
- Fill slow cooker with enough water to cover the top of the food in the slow cooker.
- Allow food to cook on low for 7 to 8 hours.
- Remove Bay Leaf
- Open slow cooker and gently stir and shred meat.
- Add Rice and Red Pepper Flakes.
- Cover and allow to cook for another 45 minutes to 1 hour.
- Stir well and serve.